Two Before Bed
Alison had lost track of time again. Physically, she was sat at the big wooden table in the kitchen, staring into the untouched mug of tea which had long since turned stone cold. Mentally, she had been in a place which was now forever divorced from reality. A place in which Graeme would return home from work, occasionally bad tempered, and demand to know what was for dinner. A place in which she would yell incessantly at Robbie for him to get off the Xbox and get started on his homework. "I'm waiting for Dad to get home. I need his help," had always been the stock response. But Dad wasn't coming home tonight, or ever again. And Robbie wasn't bumping around upstairs.
The quietness of the house closed in on her in a way that she had never previously experienced. It enfolded her in a claustrophobic shroud that forced her, in moments like these, to gasp out loud. Even breathing was something that her body and mind seemed to labour with now. She rose from the chair and drew a glass of water, sipping it gradually as she gazed out of the window at the garden. Grass needs cutting, she thought, catching herself from making a mental note to mention it to Graeme. He would never have let it get so long, she knew. She should do something about it, she told herself, and immediately dismissed it as just one more inconsequential fact that she could no longer bring herself to acknowledge, let alone act upon.
In the hallway, just inside the front door, Robbie's sports bag caught her eye as it had done every morning and every night since....since it had happened. It bulged with the football kit that had been packed into it so hurriedly all those days ago. it had sat there ever since, waiting for her son to grab it and rush off out the door for his Saturday practice. How many more times could she bear to look at it, knowing that this was never going to happen? She gritted her teeth as she strode towards it, bent to grasp it's strap and then hurriedly climbed the stairs. She opened his bedroom door slowly, careful not to peer within, knowing fully the effect that the unchanged appearance of the room would have upon her. Alison placed the bag inside the door before quickly shutting it and slumping against the wall, sobs rising in her chest. She took a deep breath and then another in an effort to get herself under control. Perhaps I should take a lie down, she wondered and headed for their...no, her...bedroom.
She steadied herself against the frame of the door and contemplated the unmade king-size divan that always felt so empty now. Beside it, atop the bed-side table, sat the small brown bottle of tranquillisers that had been prescribed for her at the hospital. She reached out for it, at once craving the oblivion that she knew the pills would swiftly bring, whilst filled with the dread knowledge that they would, if only temporarily, erase from her mind the bittersweet thoughts of her dearest husband and beautiful son. She clutched the bottle, its printed white label proclaiming that she should take two before bed. And forget! Forget everything that she had ever cared for. Well, she didn't want to forget! In a fit of sudden rage Alison drew back her arm and hurled the bottle at the far wall. Although it was plastic, it had been launched with enough force to cause it to smash against the wall, small pink tablets flying in all directions. She collapsed onto the bed, unable now to hold back a flood of tears as shivers wracked her body.
It was sometime later when the continuously ringing doorbell forced her to rise from the bed. She rubbed her eyes, knowing full well that her face carried the story of the last few hours. She descended to the hallway and let Claire, her care worker, into the house. They drank coffee in the lounge and chatted, firstly about such mundane subjects as the weather and the traffic, her visitor carefully introducing the more sensitive subject matter that she knew Alison would need to confront as part of her journey towards some form of acceptable normality. It was, as ever, a trial for Alison, but an experience that left her somehow better prepared to face the night ahead and the following day.
When darkness came she trudged once more upstairs. There was nothing to stay up for - the television was, she found, ill company. She went through her regular routine and carried a glass of water through to the bedroom, only then realising her earlier loss of control. Two of the tiny pills were, however, perched upon the very edge of the bedside table. Two before bed, she pondered, scooping them up and swilling them down with a draft from the glass. She lay down, drawing the duvet up around her and waited for the medication to take effect.
Before long Alison was asleep and snoring lightly. Moonlight streamed in through the window, bathing the room in an unearthly glow. From out of this light the figure of a man and a boy stepped forwards, hand in hand. They made their way towards the bed, Graeme lying down beside her and gently stroking her brow whilst Robbie clutched his mother around the waist and hugged her tightly. Tomorrow would be unbearable, but each day that followed would be ever so slightly less so. She needed to live now. Live for all three of them.
The quietness of the house closed in on her in a way that she had never previously experienced. It enfolded her in a claustrophobic shroud that forced her, in moments like these, to gasp out loud. Even breathing was something that her body and mind seemed to labour with now. She rose from the chair and drew a glass of water, sipping it gradually as she gazed out of the window at the garden. Grass needs cutting, she thought, catching herself from making a mental note to mention it to Graeme. He would never have let it get so long, she knew. She should do something about it, she told herself, and immediately dismissed it as just one more inconsequential fact that she could no longer bring herself to acknowledge, let alone act upon.
In the hallway, just inside the front door, Robbie's sports bag caught her eye as it had done every morning and every night since....since it had happened. It bulged with the football kit that had been packed into it so hurriedly all those days ago. it had sat there ever since, waiting for her son to grab it and rush off out the door for his Saturday practice. How many more times could she bear to look at it, knowing that this was never going to happen? She gritted her teeth as she strode towards it, bent to grasp it's strap and then hurriedly climbed the stairs. She opened his bedroom door slowly, careful not to peer within, knowing fully the effect that the unchanged appearance of the room would have upon her. Alison placed the bag inside the door before quickly shutting it and slumping against the wall, sobs rising in her chest. She took a deep breath and then another in an effort to get herself under control. Perhaps I should take a lie down, she wondered and headed for their...no, her...bedroom.
She steadied herself against the frame of the door and contemplated the unmade king-size divan that always felt so empty now. Beside it, atop the bed-side table, sat the small brown bottle of tranquillisers that had been prescribed for her at the hospital. She reached out for it, at once craving the oblivion that she knew the pills would swiftly bring, whilst filled with the dread knowledge that they would, if only temporarily, erase from her mind the bittersweet thoughts of her dearest husband and beautiful son. She clutched the bottle, its printed white label proclaiming that she should take two before bed. And forget! Forget everything that she had ever cared for. Well, she didn't want to forget! In a fit of sudden rage Alison drew back her arm and hurled the bottle at the far wall. Although it was plastic, it had been launched with enough force to cause it to smash against the wall, small pink tablets flying in all directions. She collapsed onto the bed, unable now to hold back a flood of tears as shivers wracked her body.
It was sometime later when the continuously ringing doorbell forced her to rise from the bed. She rubbed her eyes, knowing full well that her face carried the story of the last few hours. She descended to the hallway and let Claire, her care worker, into the house. They drank coffee in the lounge and chatted, firstly about such mundane subjects as the weather and the traffic, her visitor carefully introducing the more sensitive subject matter that she knew Alison would need to confront as part of her journey towards some form of acceptable normality. It was, as ever, a trial for Alison, but an experience that left her somehow better prepared to face the night ahead and the following day.
When darkness came she trudged once more upstairs. There was nothing to stay up for - the television was, she found, ill company. She went through her regular routine and carried a glass of water through to the bedroom, only then realising her earlier loss of control. Two of the tiny pills were, however, perched upon the very edge of the bedside table. Two before bed, she pondered, scooping them up and swilling them down with a draft from the glass. She lay down, drawing the duvet up around her and waited for the medication to take effect.
Before long Alison was asleep and snoring lightly. Moonlight streamed in through the window, bathing the room in an unearthly glow. From out of this light the figure of a man and a boy stepped forwards, hand in hand. They made their way towards the bed, Graeme lying down beside her and gently stroking her brow whilst Robbie clutched his mother around the waist and hugged her tightly. Tomorrow would be unbearable, but each day that followed would be ever so slightly less so. She needed to live now. Live for all three of them.